Supporting employees dealing with death and bereavement
Supporting employees dealing with death and bereavement
Andrew Kinder, Vice Chair, EAPA UK and Professional Head of Mental Health Services, Optima Health, www.optimahealth.co.uk
During the first weeks of lockdown I would regularly see someone parked up along our road, facing the wall where the cemetery is, just focusing on reading their book, perhaps over the wall was the place of their loved one’s grave. Like most places, all the cemeteries were closed. It was the only way to say goodbye. It was heart-breaking to see.
The gradual loosening of restrictions means cemeteries have thankfully opened up for rituals of bereavement to take place. But in this period of Covid-19 there continues to be a situation of ‘complicated grief’ where people don’t have the usual chances to say goodbye; the sudden nature of the illness, the limitations on visiting homes and hospitals; not always being able to attend a funeral especially if you’re in a vulnerable group, or the eerie experience of a socially distant funeral. The necessary process of grief can feel stunted and unfulfilled.
The awkward and extraordinary nature of bereavement at a time of a pandemic radiates out further across networks of families and work colleagues – it’s not possible simply to express sympathy and return to the flow of normal life; the bereavement is related to us all, the situation we’ve all been in.
In this and other ways, Covid-19 has led to a collective kind of grief. Because we’ve all lost something from the way we live our lives, and expect changes that mean nothing will be exactly the same as before. Feelings of loss are likely to only crystallise further as lockdown eases and we return to something like normal routines – the differences will bite: not being able to commute on public transport in the same way, to mix at work, or look forward to socialising in the usual ways in the evenings and weekends.
In the Victorian era death was a subject of great reflection, discussion and ceremony, while talking about sex was taboo. Now, in the 21st century, we have the reverse. Death is one of the most difficult things to talk about, an unmentionable that perhaps we feel shouldn’t be dwelled on too long.
However, our collective grief, that sense of dealing together with a common crisis, hopefully means a lessening of stigma attached to bereavement. We’ve all needed to talk about fears and how we’ve been affected. It is understood that there is a process for bereavement, the typical phases – of shock, denial, depression, anger – but it’s not a linear pathway, we move through dynamically, and all have different triggers of memory and what affects us – something seen on TV, a piece of music, speaking to a loved one. Complicated grief only makes it all more difficult. It is worth emphasising that moving through the grieving phases is always helped by talking, and by looking for and focusing on the things that bring comfort: and work and work colleagues are very often part of that.
EAPs are very important at this time as a service for talking, as an outlet that’s confidential, making it easier to find ways of talking about death and bereavement. And while the numbers of cases of the virus have declined, the effects of loss of people we’ve known, of coming to terms with lost areas of people’s lives, the familiar, will be long-lasting.